Sydney Twichell LLC

I had a much different article planned. Like… way different. I recently adopted another cat and wanted to talk about that process. And then, I got in a car accident yesterday afternoon between meetings. 

This isn’t my first car accident. In fact, the car accident I had at 22 took my body years to recover from, and gave me a fair amount of stress and anxiety when it comes to certain driving situations. 

Yesterday, my brakes failed. It sounds scary, and believe me it was terrifying, but I made it out alive and so did the other driver. This failure of the brakes gave me some perspective. 

You see, a few years ago I bought my dream car: a Mustang. And not just any Mustang: a limited edition, anniversary edition Mustang. I LOVE this car. Her name is Lilith, she is my baby, and I adore how I feel when I’m in the car. The problem? I’m afraid to drive it. 

It’s weird, I had no issue with my husband’s Nissan Sentra that I’ve been using to drive around town. My Mustang though? She is special, she is the perfect car for me. The reason behind this fear has layers, so bear with me because by the end you’ll also have a change in perspective of your own life. 

When I got in my car accident at 22, it was in my mom’s car that I was going to buy from her. I was starting a new job Monday, I was going to be making good money for the first time in my life, and my mom was ready to downsize to a smaller vehicle. This car was a Lincoln Navigator. And not just any Navigator, she had allll the bells and whistles. Leather seats, heated AND cooled seat options (a God send in Texas), electric running boards. She was the complete package, and I loved that car. 

The Friday before my new job was to start, I got in an accident. The car was completely totaled, and I cried. I wanted that vehicle so bad, and because of the reckless driving of another person I lost my chance to have a car I love. 

Fast forward a few years, and I buy a beautiful, limited edition Mustang. Here’s the problem: it had a stick shift. At the time, I had no idea how to drive a stick, but I was determined to learn. I went out driving at night in the Texas hill country to practice getting into first, changing gears, and coming to a safe stop that doesn’t destroy your transmission. I was having a BLAST, until I got stopped on a hill. 

Que my Princess Diaries panic as the car kept rolling backwards while I was trying to get into first. It would have been a funny story, until someone almost hit me despite my caution lights and nobody else around. I. Panicked. Crying, screaming, fully PTSD panic attack while my husband took over driving and brought us home. 

I have not taken that car into San Antonio since then. Yeah, you heard that right. I, the Sydney Twichell-Hernandez – Ambitious CEO and fearless learner has been so afraid to drive that car in a populated area. I can drive her with minimal to no problems and I’m a killer on stick shift now, but my fear makes me feel I can’t.

Part of it is losing the car I wanted in an accident, but I also realized during this time just how much my parents raised me with a fear of failure. I love my parents with all of my heart, and we’ve talked about this fear of failure, but that fear still lingers. Logically, I know that failure is necessary for growth. However, my nervous system STILL registers failure as a threat that triggers my fight or flight. I want to change that.

Last year, I came to the conclusion that I did not trust other drivers enough for me to drive my dream car like I wanted. I didn’t feel confident enough to take evasive measures in a standard vehicle to avoid other drivers. I still kind of don’t, but here’s what I realized yesterday: I could do everything right and shit can still happen. 

Yesterday, I was driving normally. The driver in front of me slowed down to turn into a parking lot, and when I hit my brakes they would not catch properly. I slowed down (thankfully or it could have been worse), but they would not catch enough to stop the car. As I hit the person in front of me I had a string of thoughts. “Did my brakes just f***ing fail?” “Oh god I’m gonna hit this car.” “I can’t do this, not again.”

The reality is, you cannot control every aspect of life. My brakes failing opened my eyes to the fact that I have been avoiding my dream car for over a year out of fear that I would lose the car.

Nothing can truly prevent an accident, unless you just stop living. 

What is something you have been avoiding out of fear? Out of this idea that you cannot control everything? I’m realizing that I haven’t truly been living the life I want because I am so afraid that I can’t control all of the factors. For me, it’s driving a dream car, but how far can this fear hold you back from living the life you actually want? 

I am recovering, my body is sore but okay. My husband’s car is totaled, as you can tell from the picture. But I am alive, and frankly… I’m ready to start LIVING. Are you?